


Be better

by euphoric_tae



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: 2am studio vibes, Angst, Comfort, Cuddling, Fluff, M/M, Panic Attacks, emotional/ hurt, hongjoong is tiny, hongjoongs dad is a dick, seongjoong time wee woo, this is basically me projecting my thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:47:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23594803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/euphoric_tae/pseuds/euphoric_tae
Summary: Hongjoong thought he was doing well, he was working hard, making his fans happy and still being about to achieve his goalsBut sooner or later he's forced to choose a decision that will impact his whole life.
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 2
Kudos: 90





	Be better

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, hello, yes I am back (for the 8373th time) 
> 
> This fic is kinda a mess/ me just projecting my own thoughts and feelings into this, but yea I feel like I had to get something out so hopefully you enjoy this?? Somehow??

"And don't you dare fucking step into this house, because if you do I swear on my life I will kill you" 

Hongjoong dropped his phone, tears began pooling in his eyes as he tried to hold himself together, just a little bit more before the call ended. 

"Understood" 

"Y-Yes" he felt his voice waver a bit. 

_'_ _Ahh fuck don't cry, don't cry, not yet ok you can't cry yet_ ' 

"Good" 

He heard the line hang up as Hongjoong let out a breath followed by heavy sobs that shook his body.

He fell forward into him over arms as he pressed his palm up against his eyes trying to stop the pain, trying to just wipe it all away and hope that this was some sick dream. 

But it wasn't.

_ ' You're fucking worthless, living in this daydream, wake up and realise what's important to you'  _

He felt his fathers words repeat over and over again in his head. 

Hongjoong was really alone now. 

Like his father had just told him, it's family or career, you can't have both. 

Now of course Hongjoong's father hadn't had always been like this, he was supportive, supportive of his son from such a young age only to have little arguments here and there, nothing too big, nothing nearly as big as this.

See the problem was that as soon as Hongjoong started spending more time with the group and in his studio, his father had started to realise that Hongjoong no longer wanted them, which was never the case, his father felt hurt, but this was an excuse he made up in his own head when really Hongjoong just never had enough time.

And don't get me wrong his parents knew that this would happen, knew it would be hard, knew they would never really get to spend time with their son, but with the amount of things that have been going on lately Hongjoong's father wasn't going to take any risks with this new disease by either demanding for Hongjoong to come home and stop this "idol life" or continue this life but have his parents leave him. 

Hongjoong didn't know Hong long he had been sobbing for, probably 10- 15 minutes?? Maybe 20?? He didn't know, he didn't really care either, he just knew it had been long enough for him to feel his chest start to tighten up and his lungs start to gasp for air. 

_'_ _Fuck I'm having a panic attack_ ' 

Hongjoong quickly lifted his head feeling how heavy it was from all the drainage as he started to breathe in and out at a rapid pace. 

_ ' Come on come on, in out in out it's ok, you're ok, come on'  _

He tried to divert his mind into other things, song lyrics... happy moments... movies... anything that would ease him at this point. 

He clutched his shirt as he closed his eyes feeling the struggle to breathe hit even harder now. 

_ ' I'm going to die no, NO I can't breathe I can't I can't do it'  _

He felt it all come back to him now as the tears hit even harder this time along with the constant gasping for air as he threw himself on the floor in the corner of his studio hand still clutched to his chest tears streaming freely at a rapid rate down his cheeks. 

_"No no no no he's going to kill me, he doesn't want me, no no no"_

"Hongjoong? Hongjoong are you in there?"

"Hongjoong let me in!!" 

He heard the sudden fumbling of the door knob and a slight bang which he could probably make out Seonghwa trying to get in. 

But Hongjoong didn't care he continued struggling as he felt himself start to feel lightheaded as dots started to appear in the faint of his sight. Feeling himself consume his mind into the pool of thoughts once again.

_"I always did so much for you, so so much and now you just give me this shit and leave me in the dust"_

_"Fuck, you're not my son, you're a stranger_ " 

"KIM HONGJOONG LET ME IN" 

He heard a shout and a thud as the door swung open hitting the wall opposite from it as a worried Park Seonghwa stood there panting as he looked around the room until he caught the sight of Hongjoong. 

"Fuck, omg,, fuck Hongjoong, what the fuck!!?!?" He ran towards the younger instantly bending down having no clue what to do with his hands. 

"Hongjoong can you hear me" he yelled as he placed his hands on top of the youngers shoulder shaking him slightly. 

"Hongjoong!!!" He spoke again whilst the younger didn't seem to come to his senses.

"Aaaaah" Seonghwa waves his hands around as he sat in front of the younger trying to figure out what to do.

seonghwa wasn't experienced with things like these, he had never seen the younger in such a state or even one of the members come to him this way, it was all very new to him and it broke him a little that he was watching Hongjoong struggle like this without even knowing what to do.

So he did what he always did. 

He wrapped his arms around Hongjoong bringing the younger forwards into his chest. 

Above the sounds of Hongjoong sobs he started to talk softly hoping that anything would help. 

Soon enough Hongjoong recognised the faint beat of Seonghwa's steady heart rate as he started to match his breathing with the other. 

_ 'In and out, and in and out'  _

He felt the pain in his lungs start to ease as his sobs died down a little only to silent tears now as Seonghwa felt the younger move his arms a little which were now wrapped around his as well feeling the dampness of his tears soak his sweater. 

Seonghwa placed a kiss onto the others hair as he began to stroke his hair slightly, as he pulled him even closer. Resting his chin in Hongjoong's faded blonde hair. 

Soon enough Hongjoong had fallen asleep in Seonghwa's arms as Seonghwa looked down a little to see the youngers dried tear tracks, puffy eyes and pout that appeared on his face. 

He sighed in relief. 

* * *

What seemed like hours later Hongjoong he awoken feeling the warmness of Seonghwa's body heat sting his skin. 

He breathed in the sweet scent of lavender that was radiating from other elder as he looked up slightly to find Seonghwa sleeping himself. 

It wasn't too long until Hongjoong had released that Seonghwa's arms were wrapped around him. 

For a second everything felt good, he felt safe, loved, cared for,, but suddenly those thoughts came back again.

His fathers words came back flooding into his mind like a waterfall. 

_ ' You're a piece of shit' _

_'All I ever did was look after you and now you choose 7 strangers over me, ridiculous_ '

He remembered how hurt he was, how belittled he felt, how sick it made him feel, that he didn't even notice that he had started tearing up again, swallowing hard hoping to not wake up Seonghwa. 

So he focused on his breathing, focused on his breath and how Seonghwa's breathing was so slow and steady. 

"Joong?" 

' _Fuck_ '

"Joong what's the matter?" He felt the elder move a little until they were face to face. 

"Baby why the tears?" Seonghwa kissed his cheek capturing a fresh bead. 

"It's ok, I-it's really nothing Hwa" his breath shuddered as he heard a slight sigh come from Seonghwa. 

"Listen, I don't think it would be nothing if I hadn't had found you sobbing your heart out on your studio floor" Seonghwa's voice felt hard, like he was scolding Hongjoong, which only lead the younger to fell guilt overcome him. 

"It was my dad" he sighed 

"Hmm?" Seonghwa squeezed him a little. 

"My dad, god... he wants me to come home" Hongjoong began trying to keep a steady voice. 

"Well then just tell manager that you need some time off" 

Hongjoong laughed.

"Seonghwa..its not like that" 

"What do you mean?" The elder furrowed his eyebrows, concerned. 

"He wants me back for good, no more composing, no more rapping, no more ATEEZ, no more you...he wants me to leave" Hongjoong get his voice crack on the last syllable. 

"Oh" Seonghwa felt his own heart ache at the sudden news, not really having much to say. 

"I'm sorry joong, I really am" 

Hongjoong felt another squeeze at his side. 

"Ahhh, don't be sorry...it's not your fault, it's not even his, Ive always been like this, you know? So mind set on things that I forget about the rest of the world" Hongjoong felt his throat tighten as his voice started to give up on him. 

"Explains the 4am sneaking-into-the-dorm" 

Seonghwa hoped to lighten the mood a little as Hongjoong smiled letting out a sight of relief. 

"It just, hit me, I don't know why it hit so hard..." Hongjoong pouted 

"Well no matter what you choose, just choose what's best for you, follow your heart baby, and we'll all stand right beside you" 

Hongjoong felt Seonghwa pull him closer as the elder rested his chin into Hongjoong's hair as Hongjoong found his place in Seonghwa's chest.

"Yea, I know" 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, me again, hopefully it wasn't too bad, anyways thank you for the kudos/ comments, you can find me on twt @hwascloud


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